ok, when i have such a title, i must first clarify that in no way do i know the answer.. but what i do know is tat recently, i've been going for worship prac after prac, getting caught up in the technicalities, that i feel as if my mind isnt on God Himself at all. only today i decided that there was no use to play, and play well, or make everything sound wonderful, but not have the heart of worship in it, then its completely worthless.

i think that whenever i think of worship, a few phrases i have read, or heard always pop into my mind. 1) worship is not about what you think, it never was, it never will be. 2) worship in spirit and in truth 3) God would rather hear an off tune voice with a dedicated sincere heart, than some perfect voice with a egoistic heart. and recently, i have discovered why we really worship God. indeed, its cos He died for us, He paid the price that we deserve to pay ourselves... but beyond that, God is worthy of praise simply because he is God and we are creation. He is the sovereign one, we are but dust. He gives us life, if not we are nothing at all. it is Him, all Him. what do we have that is not already His?so what if someone says "wow u play really well, or sing beautifully?" can we say that we gave it to ourselves? can we say that i created the voice? i gave it this tweak or twack(or whatever u call it)? i don't think so.

above all, i think im just pretty much taken aback how unworthy i really am, sometimes i pray and say that, God, i even need you to help me worship you.. its nothing to be ashamed of, but it really humbles me to make me see how broken i need to be.not to bow down only physically, but in my heart as well.

this week, i also face the struggle of whether to quit. i told my mom that working conditions were rather, terrible(though i know im really thankful cos there's nothing wrong really!) and the children are naughty... but i was as well.so.......... anyway, i came to the conclusion that God was teaching me how to have patience, love, peace, gentleness, kindness, faithfulness, joy, self control and hope.(yes, no prizes for guessing- its the fruit of the spirit!) yea, which is sth i think i've neglected. all this while i've been struggling to understand, and to live a life having a relationship with God... learning to BE myself, yet at the same time to have self control and not indulge in my emotions... i mean.. its really easier said than done.. i never dared to tell God i was angry, cos instead of praying:" God i'm angry.." i pray, " God, i'm ok with this because...." and on i go to psyche myself into why i should not be angry. you get my drift? but as desmond told me, its all a journey. i guess at the end of all this. the best part is to know that God is with me. ad He has promised not to let me go, that nothing can seperate me from his love. Romans 8:38-39... AND it takes faith, and a whole lot of trust to keep going. AHHHH, i have a lot to say tonight. but i'll save it for another day. this say has enough worries of its own. hahahahaha. cool.
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