hmmm, the title today is suspension, a song by Mae(credits to nicky for his discovery).. and there's a line which goes "when you talk to me, it makes me feel like i'm floating on air.." and i think thats the topic of my post today. OK BUT BEFORE i continue.... i have to say i am a super duper idiot cos i have driving lesson but i forgot and so i didnt go and then i sat in front of the tv and wasted my 67.20 away........ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

ok, anyway. i think recently, i havent been having a smooth walk with God.. i don't mean to say i haven't done Qt and all. i have! i really have.i'm trying hard to pray though its hard, as the song by don moen goes.. though sometimes i don't know what to say. during this time i never once doubted the existence of God. but i feel so superly miserable cos i dont 'feel'( for lack of a better word) His presence. i know faith is more than feeling, trust me, and i guess i just wanna say that i think i understand the psalmist's feelings in his frequent outcries for God to turn His face to look at him again... i'm not sure how i feel now.. there's a nagging thought of doubt in my head, yet a strong tower of faith in the centre which refuses to be shaken.. but i think thru all this i can say one thing.. that is that i guess i can trust God. no matter what i'm feeling, even if what i believe seems to contradict in full with what i 'experience', i think i need to learn to have faith. i can trust that God WILL NOT let me go, he will not let me be snatched out of His hand. at the moment, i type this with strong belief in my heart, yet at the same time rather painfully, cos' each day feels as if, u know.. like its being wasted, cos i don't know if i'm making the best of it.

i don't know where i've gone in my spiritual journey with God, i'm just praying its not downwards. sometimes i just can't be sure if i'm in the right direction. once again, trust God. man, its tough. its really tough. always easy to say, but hard to practice i guess. Lord, help me! give me strength to live strongly for you!

well, going into other experiences in life, other than spiritually, my days at work have been getting better. i think i'm really learning to go there and ove the kids as my own(i have no kids, though. i'm still SINGLE!!! * grin*). hahaha, although one of the kids have asked if i'm married. i must look like an old man, man. anyway, i have a good moment today, when this kid, luke.. man he has to be the smallest looking p1 kid in the world.. he is super GONG and blur... u need to keep like talking to him to make sure he hasnt drifted into some other world. anyway, he didnt wanna do work at the moment i asked him, but he promised to.. and with all the gentleness in my fingers, i asked him to hook his with mine. and off he went to play FIRST. that felt good, to just be gentle, patient, and to be able to gain a child's trust. for that moment, i prayed, "Lord, thank you. i really wanna love children the way you do." mayb it wasnt the exact words(memory of the old man failing), but i rememeber that very emotion. it felt good.

well, i better end here for now, lest i hang the system. for those who're wondering why each post i have, i can't help but talk about God, well, this walk is my whole life, and i intend to take it seriously and do my best, and by no means, do i intend to make it only a PART of my life. i'm learning, and trying, and praying God will honor this desire, cos' i'm really struggling as i don't know if i'm doing all i can. But i guess God knows my heart right? the complete assurance is never really there for me. guess its human. do pray for me brethren. and to those who want to pray, to know what it is. don't be afraid to tag on my board. lastly, to those who hope to find encouragement from this post, here it is - that u can be sure that you're not the only one who faces the struggles in our walk with God. But the reward i believe, will be worth it. God bless you all.
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